Well fuck’n A, you guys! 666! It’s almost time to start some seeds for our raging gardens. If you’re anything like holidaymike, you’re ready to stop contemplating winter suicide, and ready to move into fuck yeah spring! Once I get past the shortest day of the year, I want to slit my own wrists less and less.
I’m also looking forward to the farmers’ market. My stupid city doesn’t have a winter farmers’ market, which makes me want to fucking stab someone, but the spring/summer/fall market is pretty awesome. Not as good as Grass Master J’s city market, which I’m sure he’ll point out at the earliest fucking opportunity, but still pretty awesome. Another thing my stupid city does not have is a seed exchange. Once again, Grass Master J’s city has a seed exchange. A really great one, actually. Tell us about it, Grass Master J, in a super smug, asshole-ish kind of way.
For you lucky jerks who have a seed exchange, I’m happy for you and pissed off at you at the same time. Seed exchanges are vital for the backyard gardener. They offer many different varieties of every vegetable, herb, and flower you can think of, although I am WAY too immature to waste my time with annuals that don’t give you what you fucking deserve, like a berry or a tasty root or something. Yes, seed exchanges are really, really great. You know, if you can wrap your mind around not growing tasteless “Big Boy” tomatoes, from already established 8-inch pesticide plants you purchased at Lowes. My favorite Lowes tomato is the Brandywine. I love how they advertise that it wins contests based on taste. Sure, perhaps compared to the other bullcrap at Lowes, but certainly not against an organically grown, freshly picked, heirloom Cherokee Purple, Amish Paste, or San Marzano Plum Tomato. If you have never eaten a Cherokee Purple tomato, well fuck man, geetchee one. They’re fucking GLORIOUS. They’re so good, they’ll make you want to chop your grandpa into tiny little pieces. Ever wanted to grow your own popcorn? Well fuck, man, go to your seed exchange. Then, go to your grandma’s house and swear at her until she gives you $5.
Seeds from your seed exchange also come without genetic property copyrights, which means you can save your seeds. You can also sell your produce and the seeds it creates, as long as you get licensed through your stupid city. If you successfully and regularly sell stuff copyrighted by Monsanto (they own a lot more shit than you realize, and ironically, are the only company I have ever heard of that does NOT want you to know about it), they will fucking sue you. By saving the seeds from the best and earliest producing plants in your garden, year after year, you are genetically selecting for the best performance in your exact geographical location and soil composition. Just like the Indians did with corn and potatoes, before the white devils fucking annihilated them. With copyrighted seeds, you will most likely grow produce that are genetically programmed to produce seeds that are sterile. You then grow an awesomely red, tasteless tomato, save the seeds, then waste your time the next season with something that won’t germinate. Or they are hybrids, which means the seeds that are produced by the shit you grow result in some weird, crappy tasting produce that will almost certainly turn out to be a waste of your time. This all results in you having to purchase the same seeds again next year. In turn, your garden never matures, you never adapt your produce to your environment, and you lose interest in gardening because you can’t grow Brandywines. That’s what happens when you don’t behave like your grandparents. Sure, they can’t fucking figure out how to connect to your wifi with the iPhones they underuse, but they know a shitload more about gardening and the outdoors than you do. Promise.
I don’t have a local seed exchange, although I’m sure some of my surrounding cities fucking do. Therefore, I usually do my business at the Seed Savers Exchange. It’s super awesome. Check it out either way. That just made me think about something pretty funny. I bet the sites we link to from this blog are super embarrassed/offended that we link to them. I think that’s awesome.
Now check out these peppers that look like cocks: