Today I’m going to use my calm voice and introduce an original idea to you. I’ve decided to do this because it’s a generous fucking world out there, folks, full of patience and politeness. I would like to be a part of that. So, I’m gong to discuss the steps of building a Square Foot Garden. Put your hands together, close your eyes, and take in a deep breath. Hopefully you’re facing the morning sun and the crisp autumn air is gently stabbing you in the lungs. Let’s get a little fucking Earthy together this morning.
First, let me tell you a little about myself: For starters, I take prescription pills. Next, I play guitar in a heavy metal band. Thirdly, I wake up with “the fuckits” each morning. Lastly, sometimes I put on Michael Jackson’s Thriller album and moonwalk right over to a fresh bag of weed.
So, take a look at me playing guitar:
ARE YOU READY TO GO TO THE STORE?
1. Four 4-foot, 2×6-inch boards.
Please note: This means if you put one 4-foot 2×6-inch board in your shopping cart you will need to add three more. I hope this is making some god damn sense so far because we’re just getting started.
Do not buy treated wood or you will have “treated” vegetables. And when I say, “treated” I mean your vegetables will literally treat you to a nice dinner party for two in HELL!!!. You might be thinking, “Well, golly, hell is probably better than this piece of shit…and we are all certainly going to die of something, so fuck it.” Nice thought but try to relax a bit. This is a god damn family blog, for Christ’s sake.
2. Wood screws. Get a box of three or four-inch wood screws. If you’re like me, a choice between buying three or four-inch wood screws could really fuck up several minutes. Here’s a simple solution if that’s the case: just pick the four-inch wood screws and walk away from the situation.
1. Drill three holes at about ¾ of an inch at the end of each board like this motherfucker here:
2. Screw this! (into the end of another board using your fresh wood screws). Repeat this until you have a square frame. It should look like this motherfucker HERE:
3. Put something in the middle of the square, like newspaper or cardboard. Make sure the entire middle is covered. This will literally smother any type of leftover grass that wants to stay alive in this bullshit world, for whatever reason. The newspaper should smother the grass in the same way a pillow should smother your mother-in-law.
4. Add a mixture of dirt and compost and spread it evenly in your square, brah.
5. Optional: You could add Peat Moss® and Vermiculite® as well…but if you choose to go this route you’ll have to call it something different or get my permission because I just finished copyrighting both names to use for my heavy metal bands. Here’s a little information about the bands:
- Peat Moss® is more of metal/rap band. I’m the lead singer. I wear a cowboy hat and dance around like one of my buds, Kid Rock. Kid Rock once asked me to open for him but I was like, “naaa, thanks, Kid. Hey, knock’m dead, Kid!”
- Vermiculite®, on the other hand, literally sounds like a 50/50 mixture of feedback from a wireless amplifier and blood. It’s really insane. You’ll only get to listen to part of one song before you literally bleed to death from awesome. I’m the drummer, of course.
6. So load your goddamn compost, your Peat Moss®, and your Vermiculite® into a wheelbarrow. Mix that shit as evenly as you feel right there in the wheelbarrow, in front of everybody. Dump that magnificent mixture into your Square Foot Garden and spread it out evenly.
7. Do a quick tap dance on the sidewalk, right the fuck over there. Think about how you’re going to live better from now on.
8. Build another Square Foot Garden.
9. Spray it down with a rubber hose, folks. Wait about 30 minutes. Do it again. Wait another 30 minutes. Do it again. THAT’S ENOUGH! Jesus Christ.
Optional: Growing Vertically
While working on mathematics one evening, I came up with the idea of growing vertically. You can grow things like tomatoes, snap peas, squash, and ass vertically, if you wanna.
ARE YOU READY TO GO BACK TO THE STORE?
Supplies for growing vertically, guys:
- Two 5-foot electrical conduit pipes
- One 4-foot electrical conduit pipe
- Two 18-inch long rebar support of ½ inch in diameter
- Two elbow connectors
- Chicken wire.
- Zip ties
I understand that the hardest part of any project is going to the store and finding the stuff, especially if you’re wasted. I would rather have one of my eyeballs plucked out (just one so I can see what is happening) and then have it grand slammed out of Wrigley Field, landing in a fresh pile of coney dog barf. I’d rather turn a back flip into a jackknife in midair directly into a deep lake of fire. I would rather spend the day building a gadget that would allow me to run over my own head with my own car (it’s a 5-speed). That said, throw on “The Final Countdown” by Europe and go get the supplies above so we can build a vertical garden together!
1. Take your rebar bars and hammer them partially into the ground next to your beautiful square foot structure, facing south.
2. Put the 5-foot conduit pipes over the rebar.
- Optional: Some people purchase clamps to secure the conduit pipes to the wooden Square Foot Garden, like I did. These aren’t necessary unless you want to grow heavy things vertically, like melons or if you’re in to witchcraft. I bought the clamps anyway because I’m a real man who doesn’t have time for bullshit.
3. Without yelling, put the elbows on each end of the five-foot pipe. Don’t tighten them yet. You will probably tighten them anyway so be prepared to loosen them again later.
4. The four-foot conduit pipe should fit lengthwise in both elbow connectors. See Figure 23.4871.3a
- If your four-foot pipe is too long to fit lengthwise and connect to the other end of each elbows, no problem. It just means this: you didn’t measure right. You’ll have to shorten it. This is why I told you not to tighten the elbows yet, you stupid ass.
- If the four-foot pipe is too short you’ll have to walk BACK to your car, get IN it, and drive BACK to the store to get another one. While you’re pissed about this particular process, think about this: it happened because you didn’t measure right. You didn’t measure right. YOU didn’t.
5. Once you have the pieces fit together right, tighten the screws at both ends of the the elbows.
6. Wrap the chicken wire to the frame of the pipes. Use the zip ties to secure it. Now you can tie your tomato plant to the chicken wire and they will grow happily right up the motherfucker. See Figure 23.4871.3a
7. Use the leftover chicken wire to build a small fence around your Square Foot Garden. This will keep some animals out.
8. Start crying from too much awesome.