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How to Manage Squash Bugs (Coreidae)

You want to know what makes me want to set some community kitchen volunteers on fire? Squash bugs. Coreidae. Those little motherfuckers are serious a-holes, people. They eat your pumpkins and squash, while secreting some kind of toxic substance. This toxic saliva, or whatever the fuck it is, kills the dogshit out of your plants, and quick.

Squash Bug
“Hi, I died later.”

If you get squash bugs, you’re going to have to get your carving pumpkins at Wal-Mart. You were never going to make pumpkin pie out of them anyway. You were either overzealous or full of shit when you told all of your friends that’s what you were going to do. The truth is, you’ll also purchase your pumpkin pie at Wal-mart. You see, pumpkin vines are insane, alien, rapidly growing ropes of stress. It is not fun to grow pumpkins, squash bugs or not. You know that now. If you don’t know that, plant some. You’ll see, asshole.

Do you little d-bags know the most wonderful part about dealing with squash bugs? No? That’s because there isn’t a wonderful part of managing squash bugs. However, it IS possible to manage them, and here’s at least part of what you do. Plan on getting your sissy, lotion soaked, bacteria infested hands even dirtier than they already are. Everybody poops, don’t forget that.

How to Manage Them:

1. Remove the Mulch. Clear the mulch away from under your pumpkin vines. Pumpkins should be grown on bare soil. This is because those little dickhole squash bugs hide under mulch, rocks, and plant foliage. If you clear out the mulch, you’ll take away their secret little hiding places where they like to circle jerk all over the god damned place.

Removed Mulch
Removed Mulch

2. Remove the Eggs and Nymphs. This is the worst fucking part of the whole deal, and you’ll certainly find out how dedicated you are to organic gardening. These shitbag squash bugs lay their bastard eggs on the bottom sides of the leaves. The hippies out there will tell you to just squish them. That’s gross, because the eggs actually have blood in them. I just used duct tape, and it worked okay. Get some sticky tape and remove the eggs by sort of blotting them. Most will come off, but some of the eggs get stuck near the sides of the veins on the leaves. You’ll have to work that fat ass of yours to get those eggs, and you’ll undoubtedly destroy some pumpkin leaves. This also takes a very, very long time, which is a barrel of fucking laughs, motherfuckers! Oh, and think about Brady Quinn when you get poked by billions of pumpkin thorns. I like to think about napping in his blood. :) :) :) :)

Eggs and Nymph
“We’re tiny little pieces of shit, and we all died later! HAHAHAHAHA!!!”

3. Kill the Fuck Out of the Adults. This is where you get revenge. You’ll see adults while you’re getting the eggs and nymphs. Kill the shit out of them. After you get the eggs though, and not before, jizz water onto your pumpkin vines. The adults will start coming up from the soil and mulch and shit, because they don’t like it when you jizz water on them. You know what you do when those fucking MOTHERFUCKERS come up to avoid getting their delicate little feet wet? You kill the fucking shit out of them. Here are some pics of what they look like when you smash them:

Smashed Squash Bug
“I’m dead, and so are ALL of my babies! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Smashed Squash Bug
“That hurt really bad! See my guts?!”

One comment

  1. Anonymous

    A little ‘ol castile and water will cast them demons to hell! By the way, stop taking pictures of your neighbor’s garden and claiming they’re yours, I’m watching you! MICHAEL

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