How to Make Wine on a Budget, Part 3

Part 1 here: http://www.raginggardeners.com/wine/

Part 2 here: http://www.raginggardeners.com/how-to-make-wine-on-a-budget-part-2/


This week might be a bit boring with your wine making business, you guys, but at least you will leave with a remarkable feeling that you did something with your day besides sitting around and sharpening your switchblades. Due to today’s easiness I’m going to share an extra special poem at the beginning and an extra special song at the end. Please feel free to enjoy the song while you’re working out at the local YMCA or spinning out on fresh roadkill, whatever it is you like to do in the wintertime.


Glistening Daisies

Who barfed?
Ah. It was Seth.


Paycheck Three Supplies: 

1. Only one item. Total cost of what you need to spend today is $10. You know why.


$10 for a bottle of this shit.
$10 for a bottle of this shit.

 A. Bottle of Wine: $10

B. Money spent so far: $210.20

You may have to pretend you’re working harder than you really are with this step, especially if you’re married or something. Say “ouch” or “god dammit!” every once in a while to make yourself seem like you’re really doing something spectacular.

 Again, guys, your wine directions say things like “clean and sanitize hydrometer, test jar, wine thief, and spoon”. Lost my point.

 You should have some small packages that came with your wine. You may have Potassium Metabisulphite (#3), Potassium Sorbate (#4), and Chitosan (#5). I will not explain what any of these are now or later. Two reasons for this:

1. I don’t know what they are.

2. I don’t care what they are.

Here we go.

1. Drink

Don't let that little fucker drink it all
Don’t let that little fucker drink it all

2. Records


3. Empty package #3 and #4 into a cup of water.

Don’t sniff this stuff

4. Stir it up and pour it in your damn carboy.

Don’t drink this stuff

5. Roundhouse the little fella right off of your carboy.

shut up

6. Important: Straddle your carboy and shake it violently for a couple of minutes. It helps when you look at someone in the eye for the entire two minutes. It’s ok to make high-pitched sounds and smack the back of the carboy while ignoring all suggestions to immediately stop what you’re doing. It just takes practice, guys.

7. Pour this shit directly into your carboy.

Pour this shit directly into your carboy, guys

8. Tell the person who you shook the carboy in front of in Step 6 that you’re sorry for acting like an immature a-hole. Request that they please come back into the room because you have a gift for them. Then, add the #5 package to your carboy. Look at your carboy and say, “come here you son-of-a-bitch” and shake it much more violently than before. Straddle, Shake, Smack & Scream, guys. Straddle, Shake, Smack and Scream.

9. Top off your carboy with water.

10. Clean and sanitize your bung and airlock. Attach them to your carboy. You’re done with step three.



Airlock and "hammerhand"
Airlock and “hammerhand”

For next time:

  1. You need to start collecting wine bottles. Call your wine drinking friends and ask them to save them too. If they seem interested in the request and nicely ask, “Why? What are you up to?” Say, “Don’t worry about it” and then hang-up on them as hard as you can.
  2. You should purchase another fancy food-grade bucket. You’ll need this for bottling. It will also come in handy when you realize that you can start two batches at the exact same time.
  3. If you’re interested in making cyser someday you should purchase a 5lb jar of local honey from a hippie store near you. Do the “I’m in my own way” dance as you search for the perfect 5lb jar of local honey, guys.

Here’s a song about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBzbLCCcl_s

Final Step: Bottling: http://www.raginggardeners.com/bottling-wine/


  1. Pingback: How to Make Wine on a Budget, Part 1 | The Raging Gardeners
  2. Pingback: How to Make Wine on a Budget, Part 2 | The Raging Gardeners
  3. Pingback: Bottling Wine | The Raging Gardeners

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