Part 1 here: http://www.raginggardeners.com/wine/

Let’s begin with another lovely poem that I haven’t written yet. It’s pretty important to take a deep breath before reading this particular poem because things are going to get just a little bit emotional around here.

ALAS! There’s a pickle in the fridge!
But NO! I will not cry at the stable…
For the eagle, which circles the cassette tape
Gently noticed it was a finger
So DON’T! the box of crayons, Jerry
And tree! (hush, now Fonzie)

Hi, my friends. Remember that one time when I said I would be back on the next payday to talk about the next phase of the winemaking? Here I am, my friends. I’m not a liar, as you can see. Remember that one time when I said “which I will conveniently call it Paycheck Two” or something like that? Looks like I’m a liar after all, my friends. What’s to do?

If you did everything I said so far you should’ve spent a total of about $134.20. As a bonus: you get to drink again today, listen to records again today, and by now should be over the “I’ll never do that again” phase of your previous hangover. You will do it again, by the way, whatever it is you’ve done. You’ll do it again. You will.

 You will.

I’m serious.

 “Oh, look at me! I’ll never do that again!”

OhYesYouWill.

Paycheck Two: Supplies

1. Bottle of wine. If you review “How to Make Wine on a Budget, Part 1″ (http://www.raginggardeners.com/wine/) you will discover for the very first time how important it is that you follow the first rule. The rule: drinking wine throughout the winemaking process. If you break this rule don’t be surprised if you wake up one morning punched. For your convenience, rule one will always be the same: drink.

A. Bottle of Wine: $10

B. Money spent so far:$144.20

2. Six gallon carboy. These things are awesome because you get to see what your wine looks like. You can look at it lovingly each morning. You can talk to it too, if you want to. Discuss how you really feel about things because your wine cares. Once you actually see your wine in this beautiful glass container you may start to get a chip on your shoulder and that’s ok. Don’t be surprised if you suddenly remember that you’re just a little bit too good to talk to some of the people that you’ve been talking to lately. At this point it’s perfectly ok to simply delete a portion your Facebook friends. Not to worry, though: you and I are buds and will remain so. In fact, you and I are such good friends that if you’re talking to me and I suddenly get up and walk away, you should probably check to see if you have lipstick on your teeth or something because that’s really gross. But hey: go purchase yourself a nice carboy. This is a good purchase. You’ll reuse this thing over and over until you get just a little bit too fancy one beautiful spring morning and break it.

A. Cost: $45

B. Money spent so far: $190.20

3. Bung. This little fella next to Space Ace and Catman is called a bung. I’m sorry to report that Gene Simmons is bald back there. Oh, and dead. But, let me tell you a little about the bung. You see, it’s a piece of rubber. Buy it. You’ll see why you need this later. 

A. Cost: $5

B. Money spent so far: $195.20

4. Siphon hose. It’s a rubber hose.

A. Cost: $5

B. Money spent so far: $200.20

5. Nothing! You don’t have to buy one more thing this week unless you’re interested in purchasing me some flowers. My favorite flowers are beer. You should now have only spent approximately $6.66 per bottle. This amount amount per bottle is really awesome because now it’s time to pick out your records. Due to these circumstances, if you do not pick Black Sabbath as one of your records you’ll be pissing off Jesus. That’s right, Christ himself will be angry with you if you do not listen to Black Sabbath given that the average cost per bottle of wine that you’re currently making is $6.66. Also, if you haven’t opened your bottle of wine yet, do it. I don’t care if you have to drive later.

Here we go.

Step 1: Open your bottle of wine (if you haven’t already).

Step 2: Pour yourself a glass of it.

Step 3: Pick out a sweet record.

Step 4: Sanitize.

You could follow the directions and get out your measuring spoons and do everything super perfect, OR you could choose not to be such an a-hole about it and just remember to sanitize everything. Pour a little B-Brite along with some hot water in your sink. Put your siphon hose in there a little roughly. No reason to get MAD, just push your hose in there like you’re pretty serious about it. Slap it a little if you want & toss in a coupla swear words. Just make sure your hose is ALL of the way in there.

Also, sanitize your carboy. Here’s how: pour a little sanitizer in it. Add some hot water. Shake it around while making an angry face. If you’re wondering, “How much sanitizer should I put in there?” wonder what it would be like if you shut the hell up and not worry about it.

Make sure you rinse everything once it has been sanitized.

Step 5: Siphon. Grab your bucket of juice and put it on a table. You’re going to siphon your wine from that attractive bucket that you purchased a couple of weeks ago into the carboy that you purchased today. You’ll want all of the liquid in the carboy. There will be some sediment on the bottom of the bucket.  It’s ok for some of the sediment to go into the carboy and it’s also ok for some of it to stay. It’s also ok if you put your tears away.

Step 6: Sanitize your airlock and bung. You now know what both of these look like. The airlock was sticking out of your bucket which is now in your sink getting sanitized. Throw your bung in the sanitizer. Remember to rinse.

 

Step 7: Skim directions. Your wine kit came with directions. I hope you’re at least not reading too much in to them. I don’t know about you but when I read directions, like “check your specific gravity” I feel like punching somebody right in their grandfather. It’s like I can hear an annoying voice reading the directions to me and it upsets me just thinking about it, to be honest. So, my suggestion, again, is to not follow the directions and purchase things like a hydrometer and test jar. You see, folks, hydrometers and test jars are for little tiny babies. Instead of crying about which hydrometer and test jar you should purchase, don’t purchase ANY. If you think, “I should buy them in case I need them”, then I guess you should, ya asshole. If you buy them now you increase your spending and the price per bottle ($6.66). This will screw up your record selection and it’s just not worth it. Just consider that for a moment on this winter evening.

Step 8: Put some water in the airlock. Don’t fill past the “max” that is written on the airlock. Attach the airlock and bung to the carboy.  You’ve done this before http://www.raginggardeners.com/wine/

Step 9: You’re done! Would you look at that? Easier on the wallet this paycheck. You can now spend a little more money when you go barhopping tonight. Don’t worry about the mess you made. Your girlfriend will be totally understanding if you don’t clean up any of it tonight. Wait until tomorrow morning when you’ll feel better. But hey, everything is awesome! Time for a coupla jager bombs, fella! You’ve suddenly got life ALL figured out, finally! Celebrate!

By the way: You now have an empty bucket and are ready to start a new batch.   Start a “blackout batch” when you get home from the bars:  (http://www.raginggardeners.com/wine/)

Step 3: How to Make Wine on a Budget, Part 3: http://www.raginggardeners.com/how-to-make-wine-on-a-budget-part-3/

Bottling Wine: http://www.raginggardeners.com/bottling-wine/