You know who grows hops? Me. I fucking grow Humulus Lupulus. You want to know why I grow hops? I grow hops because I do precisely what I want to do. I also grow hops because they smell wonderful, are highly attractive, deter certain unwanted pests, and because I like to brew my very own beer with them. They bitter, flavor, and provide aroma to the beer, which is important, so fuck you. They also harbor anti-microbial properties, which help prevent your wort from being consumed by other microbes before the yeast have a chance to diarrhea alcohol and barf carbon dioxide into a substance that you will eventually consume too much of and french kiss a meth mouth in front of your co-workers. You’re pretty dirty, and I’m going to go out on a limb here and presuppose that you don’t clean and sanitize your equipment properly. You probably don’t clean and sanitize your mouth either. That’s because you’re filthy and nasty, just like the Honey Badger. Hops do contain anti-microbial properties, but they do NOT sanitize something you’ve been fingering and mouth breathing all over for the last hour.
You should probably know that I don’t grow hops because they serve some magical purpose in herbal healing, because that’s pseudoscience, and pseudoscience is dumb. Yes, hops have been cultivated for almost 1,000 years, since around 1079. Read more about hops. However, that doesn’t mean an ancient civilization discovered some magical property of hops that only a few uncritical dipshits like yourself know about today. Seriously, are you a chemist? Do you sit around and fuck with the chemical properties of hops everyday? There are actual scientists who do that, but you think you have all the knowledge, because you saw Sanjay Gupta on the Oprah Winfrey Network. A-hole. Sure, ancient civilizations were brilliant, and they discovered a lot of important shit, like calendars, astronomy, mathematics, embalming, maps, rubber, wheels, glass, paper, and doggystyle. They also believed a lot of really stupid shit, like human sacrifice and sun gods, simply because natural explanations didn’t exist at the time. You know what that means? It means that every time you tell your dumb friends that a $12 bottle of goji juice cures cancer, and your evidence of this claim is that ancient Chinese civilizations discovered it thousands of years ago, you sound like an anti-intellectual fuckface. You’re a walking logical fallacy, and the ancient people who discovered the amazing natural properties of hops, and its role in making beer, put a lot more thought into this than you and Marky Mark with your adult GEDs. They invented BEER. They win, even if they did bury people alive as a bribe for more rain.
What You Need:
-Freshly Picked Hops. I grow Cascade Hops. They smell awesome. Don’t pick them too early. Pick them when they’re big, fluffy, papery, and jizz yellow pollen all over you when you finger them.
-Food Dehydrator. Don’t do that stupid homemade dehydrator bullshit you just read about on a homebrew forum, fucking hippy. No need to get a box fan, an extension cord, and a black magic book to dehydrate in your attic or whatever the fuck. Get yourself a food dehydrator. Everyone needs one of these. You can do so much awesome shit with a food dehydrator, like make hot pepper powder, homemade backpacking food, banana chips, “sun-dried” tomatoes (without the mold), fresh teas, and so many other things you grew yourself that will distract you from committing suicide in January. Get a food dehydrator, they’re fucking awesome.
With that said, at least one thing you will read in the homebrew forums about preparing hops for preservation is true. You need to dehydrate your hops on the lowest heat setting possible, or your hops will lose flavor and aroma. I dehydrate mine at 95 degrees Fahrenheit for about 8 hours. Then I violently finger the shit out of them while thinking about serial killing. If they feel super light, bouncy, and papery, I bag the little bastards.
-Plastic Freezer Bags. You cheap bastard, don’t get the crappy bags. Get the ones that properly seal and are not porous. This is because wherever there is oxygen, there is water. Water in freezers turns into ice. Ice tends to break down nutrients and aromas over time, and can eventually cause freezer burn. Remember, the goal here is to be able to brew with fresh hops in February, which you harvested the previous fall.
-Coffee Straw. Use the straw to suck the remaining oxygen out of the bags. If you bought crappy bags, forget this step, because after you suck the oxygen out and seal, the oxygen will seep right back in and buttfuck your hops. Way to go! If you’re an overachiever and use a vacuum sealer, I’m guessing you’re the type of person who takes Instagram pictures of your crappy dinner and post them on Facebook. With hash tags. #FuckYou
How To Do It:
1. Pick the Hops
2. Dehydrate the Hops
3. Bag the Hops and Suck out the Air
4. Freeze the Hops