Homemade Produce Cleaner

Homemade Produce Cleaner

Well fuck everyone, we’re going to make some vegetable cleaning spray today. I know you love eating feces, pesticide residue, and skin cells from the numerous other people who have fingered your apples at the super duper market, but I fucking don’t. Unless I’m drunk, and then I don’t give a shit.

Whole Foods Market
Lots of people touch this shit before you buy it, organic or not

I will destroy 8 pounds of Panda Express orange chicken when I’m drunk. I will INSIST upon using chopsticks to show everyone how cool I am with the Asian community, because I spent just so much time there, which was about 6 months total in my entire life. When I’m drunk, I’ll give people chopstick lessons via demonstration. I won’t say anything, because that would be too obvious. I will, however, act very offended at the inclusion of plastic ware. You know, the plastic ware they put in the plastic bag, with the plastic containers of 12 servings of pink slime meat product. I’m so fucking pathetic. Spring is literally going to save my life this year. Barely.

Panda Express Orange Chicken
Panda Express Orange Chicken

So at this point, I have to buy all of my produce at the super duper market. It’s the middle of fucking March, and I don’t have any tomatoes, peppers, blueberries, or any of the other stuff I deserve. So I have to purchase it. Some of you out there are probably acting super smug right now and muttering to yourself, “I get my produce at Whole Foods during the winter, because I’m so responsible and green.” Yeah? Well, you probably have Yoga pants on right now too.

You see, I know you. I see you every day. Let me tell you a little about the way you act at Whole Foods (and probably every other place you frequent):

-You and your weird power haircut intentionally bump carts with people in the most refined, passive-aggressive style I have ever seen. The middle-aged women who drive those enormous tan SUVs and pretend not to see bicycles have nothing on you cart bumpers. You have worked on your cart bumping moves for years, and you have actually developed a methodology from which falsifiable protocol could be developed. Consider working for a university, you would really prosper.

-Your pants cost $500. And the funniest part about that is that you fart in them! At Whole Foods! Just like I do in my cut-off jean shorts that cost me $9 as actual pants seven fucking years ago. Ninety-nine percent of the time, your expensive pants farts are silent. This is something you have worked on your entire life as well. Good job on that, seriously. There was this one time in college when I gunned one off during a lecture, and it was very, very loud. For the rest of the lecture, I kept trying to recreate a similar sound with my shoes on the chair in front of me, but to no avail. I just couldn’t quite reproduce the sound of the fart I blew out of my butthole minutes earlier. I could have avoided that situation entirely by deploying your stealthy farting skills that day. You blow farts out of your butthole. Don’t forget that the next time you pay $500 for pants.

-You love spending $9.99 on peppercorns. Peppercorns. Wtf? It actually makes you feel good about yourself. Look, I spend $9.99 on peppercorns too, but afterward, when my wallet is completely empty, I feel like someone raped me, stole my money, and left me some gluten free, organic, all natural, fucking PEPPERCORNS.

-You want us to think you ran 24 miles to the store to purchase $17 Arugula and a couple of gluten-free, organic magazines. You drove your Suburban. We all know.

-You buy reusable gluten-free bags every single time you go to the super duper market to get your gluten-free coffee, just so people don’t question your enviro-authenticity. You probably throw them directly into the trashcan right when you walk through your gluten-free front door.

-Remember those Toms you bought at whole foods? You’re going to return those some day, because they don’t have enough arch support. Yes, they sell Toms shoes at Whole Foods. Toms are actually kind of awesome, but it’s stupid that they sell them at Whole Foods, and it’s really stupid that you buy them there. Reminds me of Wal-Mart. Did you pick up a wrench and a gluten-free spider ring while you were there as well?

-You’re so emotional about your gluten-free, organic, all natural chocolate almond butter dick milk, that you regularly submit hand-written customer feedback to the store detailing your displeasure and concern with the way it’s stocked. After all, when your $12 cock milk and regular milk are stored in the same refrigerator, the regular milk can magically leach chemicals and hormones via some supernatural medium Oprah and Dr. Oz told you about. Way to stay on top of the important shit.

Look, don’t let organic food and your entitlement to everything in the world make you a shitbag. And remember that organic stuff needs to be washed too, if for no other reason than the fact that Miss Farty Pants had her hands all over it. All natural organic pesticides are used on organic food, whether you like it or not. You know what else is all natural? Preservatives and parabens. You know what isn’t regulated? The phrase, “All Natural.” You know who I hate? You.

Wash the food you buy at the super duper market, but don’t buy the expensive produce wash that comes in the biodegradable bottle next to the garlic.

What You Need:

1. Spray Bottle

Spray Bottle
Spray Bottle

2. Lime


3. Baking Soda

Baking Soda
Baking Soda

4. Water. You get no picture of water.

How to Make It:

1. Get a spray bottle
2. Put this shit in the spray bottle: Water, ⅛ cup of lime juice, and ⅛ cup of baking soda.
3. Shake the bottle for a while.

Now just get a little scrubber with bristles, spray the bullshit you just made onto your produce, scrub, and rinse. Now go to McDonald’s and eat some horse.

One comment

  1. Jes

    I love it, at first I was like “where is he going with this” but I sat back and enjoyed the rambling noncistical ride. Great job mike, keep it up
    By the way, I laughed my fucking arse off

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