I bought some ghost pepper plants (Bhut Jolokia) at my local garden center this past spring, you know, because I like to torture the fuck out of my taste buds and pretend like I enjoy it to impress my friends and make my kids feel inferior.
They didn’t do so well. One of them didn’t survive at all, and the other just acted like an asshole all summer long. Fuck man, either grow or don’t. Jesus. I’m sure it’s because I did something wrong with the containers in which I was growing them, over-watering or whatever. Or maybe it was that intense Colorado sun making me look like an asshole for trying to grow ghost peppers in an elevated desert. Whatever it was, I’m sure it was the result of my neglect and stupidity. Story of my fucking life. Nevertheless, before the first frost, I brought the one Ghost Pepper plant that was barely alive inside, along with two jalapeno plants I also had growing in containers. Once inside, I developed an aphid problem as a result of removing those plants from the usually self-regulatory ecosystem I have going on in my backyard. In other words, there are no lady bugs or whatever the fuck else eats aphids in my basement.
I decided to make an environmentally friendly, all natural pesticide spray that would fuck up the aphids, while not fucking up the microbes in the soil and not damaging the plants more than the stupid bastard aphids already had.
What You Need:
1. 2 tsp of the Hot Pepper Powder you made from this post: Raging Gardeners Hot Pepper Powder. Alternatively, you could just use a few jalapenos or other hot peppers. Jalapenos are the cheapest, and those little dickhole aphids don’t give a shit which hot peppers you use. Feel free to use those supremely organic jalapenos you bought from Wal-Mart. You remember, that day you had big plans to make salsa, but instead chowed down on Berry Burst Icecream Oreos and crashed out on the couch while your kids “entertained themselves” by fucking spilling shit everywhere and eating makeup.
2. 4 Garlic Cloves
3. Glass Jar
4. Cheese Cloth
6. Spray Bottle
How To Do It:
1. Pour 2 tsp of hot pepper powder into the jar. Alternatively, dice up the jalapenos and put them in the jar. Chop them pretty finely, but no need to mince.
2. Dice up 4 cloves of garlic and put it in the jar. Chop it pretty finely, but no need to mince.
3. Put 1 tsp of dishsoap in the jar. Don’t use too much, or you won’t be able to shake the jar adequately. You’ll use too much, because you overdo everything.
4. Fill the jar full of water, but with enough room to shake it every now and then.
5. Let the jar sit for 24 hours, vigorously shaking it every now and then.
6. After 24 hours or so, cover the bowl with the cheesecloth, then pour the contents of the jar onto the cheesecloth. The bullshit will collect on the cheesecloth, only letting the liquid pass through into the bowl. This is important (especially if you’re using hot pepper powder), because if you don’t adequately filter out the bullshit, the bullshit will clog up the inside of the spray bottle mechanism, thereby negating all of the work you did in the previous steps. I predict you will forgo the cheesecloth since most people don’t have it laying around. You’ll just love the result.
7. Drink the contents of the bowl.
8. If you drank the contents of the bowl, you are sofuckingstupid.
9. Pour the contents of the bowl into the spray bottle. There are a few ways to do this. I use a funnel, but you’ll probably do something ridiculous and spill it everywhere. I hope you do, because this stuff smells like balls, and I want your kitchen to smell like balls. That would make me giggle.
10. Spray your plants every few days until all of those asshole aphids are dead.