Here is the non-offensive version of what I’m about to tell you: http://www.robynsview.com/2012/05/homemade-orange-vinegar-cleaner.html But I’m warning you, this lady is super nice, organized, and smart. Even worse, she centers her text on her page. She’s also super happy. That’s stupid.

Look, I don’t really know if cleaning sprays are going to give you cancer. They probably aren’t, but the majority of them smell like dicks. And they love giving migraines. My favorite is the kind that smells like grandma’s neck. You don’t actually think the Wal-Mart value version of orange blossom cleaning spray is made from ACTUAL orange blossoms, do you? If so, you’re a fucking idiot. Some sweet little farmer didn’t pick orange blossoms from her family owned organic orange tree to stock the Wal-Mart shelves with a super responsible, “all natural” cleaning spray for YOU to purchase in your favorite pjs that feature your angel-wing back tattoo just to clean the chihuahua diarrhea off of your kitchen floor. Nope. That spray is made from Wal-Mart executive piss and snot, and YOU think it smells rad. Do this instead:

What You Need:

1. Citrus Peels. Orange, Lemon, Lime, or any other citrus peel. If you really needed me to give you examples of citrus peels, then you aren’t going to comprehend any of this shit anyway. Seriously, quit fucking throwing waste food products in your trash can. Compost them. Or make awesome shit from them.

2. A Jar with a Lid. Seriously, quit fucking throwing empty glass spaghetti sauce jars in the trash can. Reuse them for something awesome.

3. White Vinegar. I recommend getting it at Wal-Mart. And don’t forget to wear that awesome oversized purple howling wolf sweatshirt.

4. Salt. If you fucking need clarification, I’m going to beat you to death with a building.

5. Strainer. You probably need clarification. I’m not going to give you any. But I will provide a picture of my strainer:

6. Spray Bottle. Don’t go buy a new one. Pour out that bottle of dog piss deterrent from under your sink you never use. Pour it right down the drain, and then go cut down a tree. Flip off an endangered animal while you’re at it. You know that’s what you’re going to do.

How To Do It:

1. Get the jar and fill it with vinegar and a teaspoon of salt. Store the jar in a cool place without much sun.

2. Every time you eat an orange, make a mojito, or make a bad choice with lemons, put the peels in the jar with the vinegar and salt, put the cap on, and shake vigorously.

3. After about 2 weeks, starting from the date when you have a shitload of fruit peels in the jar (and you need a shitload), filter out all of the bullshit, then pour the contents into the spray bottle.

4. Go clean something, you lazy asshole.