Well god damn it, everyone, I’m going to show you how to make your own dehydrated lightweight backpacking, bikepacking, hiking food. Isn’t that fucking nice of me? I’ll slit your wrists, I’m so nice.
I bet you have lots of ridiculous “The North Face” vests. Did you know The North Face is owned by Vanity Fair (www.vfc.com/brands)? Doesn’t that sort of make you want to murder some folks? It sure makes me want to torture some ducklings to death. Although, I will point out that if you want the best $45 preworn hat in the fucking world, The North Face is the brand on which you should spend your hard earned prostitution income. You know, since you just pretend to love the outdoors on Facebook, and have never actually worn out a hat. If that’s you, stop reading this shit, make yourself an organic, gluten free dick cake and shut your whore mouth. Before you gobble it down though, be sure to tweet about it. Post stuff about it on Facebook with hashtags until your sentence doesn’t make any shit-eating sense. #fuckyou #bequiet #kittens #ihateyou
If you actually do wear out your hats, and don’t need to buy hats that some crappy “outdoor gear” company washed in a special acid bath for you to look awesome in, you probably also need light-weight, inexpensive food that will sustain you for a long ass outdoors trip in the mother fucking wilderness. Yes, it is sometimes difficult to be so far away from the local Wal-Mart, but hopefully someday they will decimate nature and put one on a mountain or something. We can only hope.
What You Need:
1. Vegetables. You’re going to dehydrate the ever living shit out of these.
2. Food Dehydrator. You fucking need one of these. They are fantastic. I like to dehydrate anything I fucking want to dehydrate, whenever I fucking feel like it. For example, let’s pretend like I am holding some fresh ginger. If I decided to cut up the ginger into little pieces, and then dehydrate the ginger pieces, that would be totally fucking okay. If I wanted to, and ONLY if I wanted to, I could use those dehydrated ginger pieces for a fresh afternoon tea.
3. Dirty Knife. I prefer to only use dirty knives. I don’t like to use knives that are clean.
4. Compact Spice Containers. Jesus Satan Christ you need one of these fine, fine items. It’s essential, and there absolutely is room in your pack for compact spice containers. If there isn’t room, and you’re one of those awesomely radical epic dudes who likes to saw the end off of your toothbrush to shave grams, fucking choose to pack the compact spice container anyway. Irregardless. Brang. Nother. Orientate.
5. Waterproof Plastic Bags. I once thought I was using waterproof bags. I wasn’t. My dehydrated food, which I placed in a cooler, re-hydrated itself since the bags were porous, ruining my food. I was pissed off about that, okay? The result of that mishap was Mexican food and a stiff margarita. Followed by several beers, and a little drunk bicycling. Oh, and you don’t get a picture of these, because I have chosen not to provide one.
How to Make it:
Cut up your stuff similar to what is shown below, because I told you to, and let them dehydrate for a long time. I don’t know how long. Just check them every couple of hours until they are dehydrated. Don’t be a dumbshit about this. You literally cannot do this wrong.
2. Oranges and Lemons
3. Bell Peppers
7. Garlic and Onions
Now get the fuck up and get the fuck outside.