Homemade Produce Cleaner

Homemade Produce Cleaner

Well fuck everyone, we’re going to make some vegetable cleaning spray today. I know you love eating feces, pesticide residue, and skin cells from the numerous other people who have fingered your apples at the super duper market, but I fucking don’t. Unless I’m drunk, and then I don’t give a shit. I will destroy 8 pounds of Panda Express orange chicken when I’m drunk. I will INSIST upon using chopsticks to show everyone how cool I am with the Asian community, because I spent just Read more [...]
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Newspaper Seed Starters Part 2

Well shit, guys, it’s time to fuckin’ make larger seed starters for your fuckin’ “leggy” tomato plants. If you haven’t read Newspaper Seed Starters Part 1 yet, why the fuck not? Seriously, why would you just start reading something on part two? It’s not like Harry Potter, or The Lord of the Rings, the intended order of which no one alive truly knows. This is Newspaper Seed Starters Part TWO, dude. Part two. Read part one if you haven’t yet, jesus. But I do maintain that I shouldn’t Read more [...]
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Bottling Wine

Part 1 here: http://www.raginggardeners.com/wine/ Part 2 here: http://www.raginggardeners.com/how-to-make-wine-on-a-budget-part-2/ Part 3 here: http://www.raginggardeners.com/how-to-make-wine-on-a-budget-part-3/ Oh hell Oh, hell... Why don't you shut your pie hole?  Because. I'm hell. I should be honest with you about something right from the beginning. I’m not really feeling it today-this whole blog about wine making. It just feels too cheerful or something. I’m hoping to Read more [...]
Newspaper Seed Starters

Newspaper Seed Starters, Part 1

Well fuckin’ A, you guys, it’s time to start your fuckin’ seeds! Fuckin’ go here to find out what to start based on your geographic location: sproutrobot.com. Okay, so now that you know which seeds to start, go to your local Wal-Mart and senselessly spend money on seed starters you can easily make for free at home. May as well pick up some seeds for those super firm, brilliantly red, uniformly shaped, blemish-free, polygalacturonase lacking “Flavr Savr” tomatoes you will almost certainly Read more [...]
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How to Make Wine on a Budget, Part 3

Part 1 here: http://www.raginggardeners.com/wine/ Part 2 here: http://www.raginggardeners.com/how-to-make-wine-on-a-budget-part-2/ This week might be a bit boring with your wine making business, you guys, but at least you will leave with a remarkable feeling that you did something with your day besides sitting around and sharpening your switchblades. Due to today’s easiness I’m going to share an extra special poem at the beginning and an extra special song at the end. Please feel free Read more [...]
Farmers' Market Barrels of Peppers

Seed Exchange, Farmers’ Market, and Other BS

Well fuck’n A, you guys! 666! It’s almost time to start some seeds for our raging gardens. If you’re anything like holidaymike, you’re ready to stop contemplating winter suicide, and ready to move into fuck yeah spring! Once I get past the shortest day of the year, I want to slit my own wrists less and less. I’m also looking forward to the farmers’ market. My stupid city doesn’t have a winter farmers’ market, which makes me want to fucking stab someone, but the spring/summer/fall Read more [...]
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How to Make Wine on a Budget, Part 2

Part 1 here: http://www.raginggardeners.com/wine/ Let's begin with another lovely poem that I haven't written yet. It's pretty important to take a deep breath before reading this particular poem because things are going to get just a little bit emotional around here. ALAS! There’s a pickle in the fridge! But NO! I will not cry at the stable… For the eagle, which circles the cassette tape Gently noticed it was a finger So DON’T! the box of crayons, Jerry And tree! (hush, now Read more [...]
Guacamole Ingredients

How to Make Guacamole

What You Need: -7 Avocados. You don't know how to pick out avocados. We both know that. I had to figure that shit out on my own. I could have surfed the web to pick up some tips, but that's cheating. And fuck if I'm going to ask some cock blazer at the super duper market for help. I'll tell you this much: Get the hard green ones only if it's Monday, and your guacamole buds aren't coming over until Friday to play Dungeons and Dragons and swap Magic cards. Sit those green little fuckers on your counter, Read more [...]
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How to Make Wine on a Budget, Part 1

Ladies and Gentleman. I'd like to start with a poem that I haven’t written yet. Don’t just read these words. Feel these words. You may need to light a candle. If you like to drink and would like to have a good excuse to drink nearly all the time;  MAKE! some wine. If you’re in a bad mood, and you feel like punching your grandpa in the face;  MAKE! some wine. If you like it when people do stuff like call the cops;  MAKE! some wine. If you’re rich and awesome, just like me;  Read more [...]
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Homemade Garlic Hot Pepper Aphid Spray

I bought some ghost pepper plants (Bhut Jolokia) at my local garden center this past spring, you know, because I like to torture the fuck out of my taste buds and pretend like I enjoy it to impress my friends and make my kids feel inferior. Educate yourself about the Bhut Jolokia since you don't know shit. They didn't do so well. One of them didn't survive at all, and the other just acted like an asshole all summer long. Fuck man, either grow or don't. Jesus. I'm sure it's because I did something Read more [...]