Kill a Tree Stump

How to Kill a Tree Stump

Well fuck, everyone! Today, I will teach you how to kill a tree stump. The only thing I like better than strangling kittens and flashing gang signs at my neighbors as they calmly walk by on crisp autumn evenings is killing trees that don’t give me what I deserve. I bet you’re the kind of person who is nice to your neighbors. You probably like to take walks with them, perhaps get together and have some discussions about books and recipes. That’s dumb. Neighbors are a-holes, and it will serve Read more [...]

Why the Paw Paw Tree is Smarter Than You

The Paw Paw is a cool tree with a dumb name. Real quick: I brush my teeth in the morning and then proceed to do mostly dumb things all god damn day long. I barely have the ability to only half-ass listen to the things I say. When I DO catch a phrase of the barf exiting my piehole I’m often surprised with just how much I keep raising my dumbass bar. While eating a sad breakfast I think: “Shit. THAT was surprisingly dumb.” I mean, god damn-I actually get pissed off at things like strings Read more [...]
Hops Featured Image

Beer Recipe: Raging Chocolate Honey Porter

Well fuck, everyone! Today I am going to provide you with a fantastic little beer recipe that I made up in my own fucking head. Then, like a boss, I made this beer several times. I changed things here and there to make it BETTER, which wasn’t even possible unless you’re someone people often mistake for Chuck Norris. Basically, I fucking envisioned an awesome beer, and then I fucking made it happen. With strength, brawn, power, and dominance. Why? Because I do what I want.Oh, that reminds Read more [...]
Hot Sauce Featured Image

How to Make Fermented Hot Sauce

Well shit, everyone! It’s time to fuckin' make your own fermented hot sauce! Have you ever tasted Tabasco Pepper Sauce? You may or may not like the taste. I honestly don’t give a shit what you think about it. I only parade this fine sauce because of the fucking awesome way it is made and the fact that it contains exactly three ingredients: peppers, salt, and vinegar. Try to find another hot sauce at your local Wal-Mart that contains only three ingredients. You might find one or two, but it will Read more [...]
Mulched Tree Post Header

How to Mulch a Tree

Well fuck me in the goat ass, everyone! You probably found this page because you googled something stupid like, “how to mulch a tree.” Actually, it wasn’t stupid of you to try to find out the proper way to mulch a tree, because it’s surprisingly important, as you’ll find out immediately after I’m finished making fun of you. However, my friend, it was QUITE stupid of you to purchase $24 gardening gloves for the job. Next, you’ll probably shop around for some high quality gardening shoes.The Read more [...]

How to whip up a quick Square Foot Garden!

Today I’m going to use my calm voice and introduce an original idea to you. I've decided to do this because it's a generous fucking world out there, folks, full of patience and politeness. I would like to be a part of that. So, I’m gong to discuss the steps of building a Square Foot Garden. Put your hands together, close your eyes, and take in a deep breath. Hopefully you’re facing the morning sun and the crisp autumn air is gently stabbing you in the lungs. Let’s get a little fucking Earthy Read more [...]
Hops Banner

How to Dehydrate and Preserve Hops

You know who grows hops? Me. I fucking grow Humulus Lupulus. You want to know why I grow hops? I grow hops because I do precisely what I want to do. I also grow hops because they smell wonderful, are highly attractive, deter certain unwanted pests, and because I like to brew my very own beer with them. They bitter, flavor, and provide aroma to the beer, which is important, so fuck you. They also harbor anti-microbial properties, which help prevent your wort from being consumed by other microbes before Read more [...]
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How to Manage Squash Bugs (Coreidae)

You want to know what makes me want to set some community kitchen volunteers on fire? Squash bugs. Coreidae. Those little motherfuckers are serious a-holes, people. They eat your pumpkins and squash, while secreting some kind of toxic substance. This toxic saliva, or whatever the fuck it is, kills the dogshit out of your plants, and quick.If you get squash bugs, you’re going to have to get your carving pumpkins at Wal-Mart. You were never going to make pumpkin pie out of them anyway. You Read more [...]

Homemade Backpacking Food

Well god damn it, everyone, I’m going to show you how to make your own dehydrated lightweight backpacking, bikepacking, hiking food. Isn’t that fucking nice of me? I’ll slit your wrists, I’m so nice.I bet you have lots of ridiculous “The North Face” vests. Did you know The North Face is owned by Vanity Fair ( Doesn’t that sort of make you want to murder some folks? It sure makes me want to torture some ducklings to death. Although, I will point out that if you Read more [...]
Homemade Produce Cleaner

Homemade Produce Cleaner

Well fuck everyone, we’re going to make some vegetable cleaning spray today. I know you love eating feces, pesticide residue, and skin cells from the numerous other people who have fingered your apples at the super duper market, but I fucking don’t. Unless I’m drunk, and then I don’t give a shit.I will destroy 8 pounds of Panda Express orange chicken when I’m drunk. I will INSIST upon using chopsticks to show everyone how cool I am with the Asian community, because I spent just Read more [...]

Newspaper Seed Starters Part 2

Well shit, guys, it’s time to fuckin’ make larger seed starters for your fuckin’ “leggy” tomato plants. If you haven’t read Newspaper Seed Starters Part 1 yet, why the fuck not? Seriously, why would you just start reading something on part two? It’s not like Harry Potter, or The Lord of the Rings, the intended order of which no one alive truly knows. This is Newspaper Seed Starters Part TWO, dude. Part two. Read part one if you haven’t yet, jesus. But I do maintain that I shouldn’t Read more [...]

Bottling Wine

Part 1 here: 2 here: 3 here: Oh hell Oh, hell... Why don't you shut your pie hole?  Because. I'm hell. I should be honest with you about something right from the beginning. I’m not really feeling it today-this whole blog about wine making. It just feels too cheerful or something. I’m hoping to Read more [...]
Newspaper Seed Starters

Newspaper Seed Starters, Part 1

Well fuckin’ A, you guys, it’s time to start your fuckin’ seeds! Fuckin’ go here to find out what to start based on your geographic location:, so now that you know which seeds to start, go to your local Wal-Mart and senselessly spend money on seed starters you can easily make for free at home. May as well pick up some seeds for those super firm, brilliantly red, uniformly shaped, blemish-free, polygalacturonase lacking “Flavr Savr” tomatoes you will almost certainly Read more [...]

How to Make Wine on a Budget, Part 3

Part 1 here: 2 here: week might be a bit boring with your wine making business, you guys, but at least you will leave with a remarkable feeling that you did something with your day besides sitting around and sharpening your switchblades. Due to today’s easiness I’m going to share an extra special poem at the beginning and an extra special song at the end. Please feel free Read more [...]
Farmers' Market Barrels of Peppers

Seed Exchange, Farmers’ Market, and Other BS

Well fuck’n A, you guys! 666! It’s almost time to start some seeds for our raging gardens. If you’re anything like holidaymike, you’re ready to stop contemplating winter suicide, and ready to move into fuck yeah spring! Once I get past the shortest day of the year, I want to slit my own wrists less and less.I’m also looking forward to the farmers’ market. My stupid city doesn’t have a winter farmers’ market, which makes me want to fucking stab someone, but the spring/summer/fall Read more [...]

How to Make Wine on a Budget, Part 2

Part 1 here:'s begin with another lovely poem that I haven't written yet. It's pretty important to take a deep breath before reading this particular poem because things are going to get just a little bit emotional around here. ALAS! There’s a pickle in the fridge! But NO! I will not cry at the stable… For the eagle, which circles the cassette tape Gently noticed it was a finger So DON’T! the box of crayons, Jerry And tree! (hush, now Read more [...]
Guacamole Ingredients

How to Make Guacamole

What You Need:-7 Avocados. You don't know how to pick out avocados. We both know that. I had to figure that shit out on my own. I could have surfed the web to pick up some tips, but that's cheating. And fuck if I'm going to ask some cock blazer at the super duper market for help. I'll tell you this much: Get the hard green ones only if it's Monday, and your guacamole buds aren't coming over until Friday to play Dungeons and Dragons and swap Magic cards. Sit those green little fuckers on your counter, Read more [...]

How to Make Wine on a Budget, Part 1

Ladies and Gentleman. I'd like to start with a poem that I haven’t written yet. Don’t just read these words. Feel these words. You may need to light a candle. If you like to drink and would like to have a good excuse to drink nearly all the time;  MAKE! some wine. If you’re in a bad mood, and you feel like punching your grandpa in the face;  MAKE! some wine. If you like it when people do stuff like call the cops;  MAKE! some wine. If you’re rich and awesome, just like me;  Read more [...]

Homemade Garlic Hot Pepper Aphid Spray

I bought some ghost pepper plants (Bhut Jolokia) at my local garden center this past spring, you know, because I like to torture the fuck out of my taste buds and pretend like I enjoy it to impress my friends and make my kids feel inferior.Educate yourself about the Bhut Jolokia since you don't know shit.They didn't do so well. One of them didn't survive at all, and the other just acted like an asshole all summer long. Fuck man, either grow or don't. Jesus. I'm sure it's because I did something Read more [...]

Homemade Citrus Vinegar Cleaning Spray

Here is the non-offensive version of what I'm about to tell you: But I'm warning you, this lady is super nice, organized, and smart. Even worse, she centers her text on her page. She's also super happy. That's stupid.Look, I don't really know if cleaning sprays are going to give you cancer. They probably aren't, but the majority of them smell like dicks. And they love giving migraines. My favorite is the kind that smells like Read more [...]